Close to the Surface
Lately I’ve been frightened, I’ve been confused, I’ve been lost, I’ve felt stagnant. sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. Sometimes I feel like everywhere I go walls are caving in. I can be outside and It’ll feel like the ground is ready to cave in and swallow me whole at any given moment. Sometimes I feel like I’m submerged in a body of water and the surface is nowhere in sight. I always feel like I’m drowning when I want to feel like I’m flying. I like heights — mountains and hills because I like to be closer to heaven than the hell that is this earth sometimes.
Sometimes I feel like I won’t make it. Sometimes I wish I could ask God to replace my brain and my heart. I don’t know which first — both have made bad choices. I randomly think about lobotomies, how sometimes I’d give everything to feel absolutely nothing but then I remember the ability to feel is one of life’s greatest gifts to us.
Sometimes I feel fragmented. Sometimes I disassociate. I struggle with being present. My mind drifts to my past. I’m too hard on myself — I know that much. Sometimes I float to the future to distract myself from where I’m at now. Anything feels better than the discomfort that being in the present feels like sometimes. I know my happiness doesn’t lie in disassociation. I know it exists in accepting life for what it is now. I think about the buddhist teaching “desire is the root of all suffering”. I write about it in nearly all of my writings but lately I’ve accepted that the key to joy is not killing my desires, but being patient with them. I don’t have to have everything together right now. I need to give myself credit for the work that I am doing now.
I look for joy in my everyday life and I make sure to find it. I laugh 100 times a day, even on my worst days. the sound of my laughter gives me hope. It encourages me to push forward. It reminds me that joy exists, even for brief moments.
I like to say that every day is a new life because it is. Each day is an opportunity to bring you closer to the life that you dream of. I have learned that I can either work towards the life I dream of and create my ideal reality or I can let my daydreams overtake my reality.
I’ll admit that I’ve been hard on myself. Even my 19 year old sister constantly reminds me that “I’m not behind,” and that I’m right where I need to be. It’s hard to believe sometimes when I look around and see so many people doing so much more than I am. There are so many people my age or younger that seem to be so much farther ahead. Sometimes I wonder what I’ve done with my years but then I brush it off and remind myself that, although it may not feel like it, I’ve accomplished a great deal. My inner child is pleased with how far I’ve come. Still, sometimes I look at my surroundings, and although I’m grateful to have a home and a community of good friends, my mind can’t help but wonder and think about the things that I do lack. I wonder about my stability a lot, when it will come. It just feels like something is always going wrong and things never go right for too long. I know I’m not the only one that feels this way but knowing that others are struggling in the same way that I am doesn't bring me any comfort. There’s more to life than survival. I know that. And I hope that if you’re reading this, you know that too.
