Solitude
“Where do you get your confidence from?”
“How are you so put together all the time?”
These are a few questions I get often. The answer to these questions is not so simple.
I had to completely fall apart in order to become my own person, on my own terms. I’ve struggled with anxiety for as long as I can remember (still do) and fought through depression for two painful years. Back then, I was depending my happiness on the approval of others, meaning I had no control over the way that I felt. I searched for validation through my family, my friends, and my boyfriend. I would constantly compare myself to other people instead of recognizing how far I had already come. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship that made me hate myself for a long time… and I mean hate. All of these things combined put me in a state of unbearable depression that very few people knew I was struggling with. The only thing that got me through it was solitude.
A lot of people are afraid to be alone. It can be isolating, scary, intimidating to sit in a room by yourself with nothing but your thoughts. Especially when your thoughts typically consist of nothing but self hate and degradation. Once you are able to soak in your own thoughts, you become mindful of the way you talk to yourself. The way you talk to yourself becomes a reflection of the way you treat yourself. The way you treat yourself becomes a reflection of the standards you set for yourself. The more time you spend alone, the more you learn about yourself. It is a beautiful thing to know who you really are beneath all of the surface level bullsh*t. Solitude allows you to fight that need for approval from others. It emphasizes the reality that you come into this earth alone and you leave alone; but this is not a sad reality. Solitude can be a beautiful thing if you allow it to be. It doesn’t mean you have to become an introvert and start cutting off everyone you love. We are humans, we are meant to share our love with people. The issue here is that most of us share our love without saving any of it for ourselves. Solitude means you can be comfortable in your own skin and be in tune with your own emotions. If you’re constantly surrounded by people with all sorts of different energies- how do you form your own opinions? Not become influenced? We have to be able to separate ourselves from people and things. Nobody is going to be able to properly love you if you do not properly love yourself first. When you’re alone, take time to really listen to the way you feel and why. Get naked and stare at yourself in the mirror. GET COMFORTABLE WITH WHO YOU ARE. Leave the shame at your bedroom door and learn to love your external imperfections. Dwell on your internal imperfections and think about what you can do to become a better person. Then, you will be whole.
Every day marks a fresh start. The goal is not to be perfect, but to show discipline and do better than the day before. What would make today great for you? Take things one day at a time. Small habits add up to make a big difference in your character. Every day, I strive to have faith, gratitude, a vision, and a positive mindset. I am a big believer in manifestation, so I believe that the way you feel about yourself and the vision you have will become reality.
