It Gets Better
Sahar Khorram is the big sister on TikTok we all need with a 480k+ global audience. Many of us know Sahar for her insightful advice on relationships and what it takes to hold your own in today’s society with what she likes to call “SisTalksWithSahar”. Sahar is also a bad ass double barred attorney, recently graduating from Colombia Law School just under the age of 30! Outside of all we know from Sahar with her being such an open book on social media, there is so much more to this brilliant woman and her story. For more? Girl Connect got the opportunity to sit down with Sahar to learn more about her journey to a healthy relationship and true success.
1. Growing up with little to nothing, moving to the US from Iran as a child, with the tremendous amount of adversity you faced, how has this shaped you into the woman you are today?
I think having had to work for everything and really build from the ground up has given me an enormous amount of motivation and hunger that I don’t really see from other people. I knew that the life I wanted to create for myself wasn’t just for me but for my family as well. When you’re fighting to change generations that come after you there is almost nothing that can derail you. As a result I’m an extremely hard worker and dedicated to my dreams.
2. Being diagnosed with meningitis at age 17, nearly dying only having days to live, how did this change your perspective of the meaning of life? What does gratitude mean to you?
A. My god, I think everything about facing death at such a young age has made me who I am today. When the prospect of death faces you at a time when you are the healthiest you can be it really humbles you, it reminds you that you’re not all that in control. In fact, you’re actually not in control of much in life. All you can do is wake up every morning and try your best but you have to surrender to a higher power or else you’re going to be fighting fights that aren’t even for you.
B. Gratitude to me is based in perspective. Whenever I’m having a tough time or a tough moment in life, I think about how I felt laying in that hospital bed and what I was willing to give up just to have my health back. The truth is we ask for a lot from life but we forget that the moment our health is compromised all we really want are the simple things, our family, our friends, a walk in the park.
3. You stated that you were rebellious growing up in a Muslim household, how did you have the courage to go against the norms of your culture by staying true to who you wanted to be? What advice would give a young girl struggling with the same thing?
I don’t think it was ever an active choice for me, I just knew that I couldn’t live inauthentically. I’ve always prided myself in being authentic and vulnerable, what you see is what you get with me. Now although that has hurt me tremendously in life and in a world where manipulation reigns supreme, it has allowed me to be at peace with my decisions. I never wanted to have to ask myself “what if” so I made sure to answer all of those questions even if it came at a cost. If I could go back and speak to my younger self I would tell her that although she’s afraid right now and she feels lonely, she really isn’t. I would tell her that this tough period is going to magnify your strength and resilience and one day it’s going to be the reason why you are as brave and courageous as you end up being. I would tell her to keep hope alive because the sun will eventually come out.
4. Simply just making a video can very intimidating with the amount of scrutiny people face online. What inspired you to start making Tik Tok’s and open to the world on topics surrounding relationships, mental health, story times and giving uncut advice?
People’s stories saved my life more times than I can count. As someone who has battled depression and suicidal ideations it was being able to relate that I was able to hang on. The more we as a society share our knowledge, struggles, and love, the less we will feel alone. I never thought my voice would reach the masses, truthfully, I would have been happy if I was able to just change one person’s life. That’s what life is all about anyway.
5. Being that you were married young to an international drug dealer in which you had no idea about prior to getting married, to then ending up in toxic relationship after toxic relationship, experiencing narcissism first hand. Despite all that you endured you never gave up on love, what was the key shift in which you completely decided to change your dating life?
Put simply: I got tired of my own shit. I was doing the same things over and over again and expecting different results. I had to get real with myself and ask myself what was the life that I really wanted and the type of life that I envisioned for my children. When I was able to pinpoint that then I went after men who would be able to provide that life for me. If I wanted peace I went after men who were willing to give it to me. I got tired of finding men and trying to change them and realized that the same way that I exist as someone’s dream woman, a man who is my dream man has to exist as well.
6. Sometimes it is inevitable ending up in a relationship that can destroy you, but brings so much wisdom and even a new beginning when you conquer the turmoil that comes with it. What were some key signs you ignored in previous relationships you would advise other women to be wary of?
I ignored how a man immediately made me feel. That was the biggest thing. I would be around men who would constantly make me anxious, doubt myself and bring down my self-confidence and in turn push me to prove myself and I didn’t realize how toxic that was. I had grown up in a family where being belittled was normal and having to perform for love was the norm so I emulated that same dynamic in my dating life. I want women to look for the principles and values of a man and simply why is he single? How did his family resolve issues? What does he think his own weaknesses are? We can cut down on a lot of our pain if we just have open communication early on.
7. One of your videos I resonate with is the fact that you said you spent most of your life chasing chaos in the name of passion only to leave you broken, sad, and depressed feeling like love meant pain. This is such a hard cycle to break out of, how did you overcome?
Lots and lots and lots of therapy. I still struggle with it. Breaking away from generational trauma is a pain that I wouldn’t wish upon my worst enemy. I think sometimes we all want a quick fix but there isn’t one. You need to do the work, you need to heal, you need to break down again and heal again. You need to throw yourself into a cycle of facing your demons and getting to know yourself and the reasons behind why you do the things you do. Once self aware you can change your actions.
8. There is a lot of discourse on the “high value man” or “where to find a rich man” topic on social media. As well a lot of discussion surrounding failed relationships. You stated when you invest in yourself (mind, body, and soul) it is almost like you become a magnet to the world and these kinds of men come to you! What advice would you give women in their 20’s trying to navigate the dating scene?
I would tell them to stop putting so much pressure on themselves and to let go of this idea that they have one soulmate. I have made beautiful connections with many different people. The relationship that you end up in is the one that you want to work on, but that doesn’t mean there is a scarcity of love out there. I would tell them to make sure they are right within before seeking someone else because often times if we don’t fix ourselves, we look for someone to come save us. But no one is coming to save us. We are the superheroes in our stories, not the men that we come across.
9. One thing I love about you is your vulnerability about your mental health and your stance on how important it is to let your audience know it is okay to NOT be okay. How has having depression allowed you to embrace your mental health journey?
I’ve had no choice but to embrace it honestly. When I was young my mom told me that people can’t use information that you volunteer against you and I’ve applied that to everything and anything. Mental health used to be a sore spot for me but the more that I myself talk about not being okay the less power anyone else has to belittle me with it.
10. You are a doubled bar attorney in two of the hardest states in America, recently just graduating from Colombia Law school, and an influencer under the age of 30. What is in store for your next chapter?
God that’s hard. Turning 30 has been monumental for me. I think I’m ready for motherhood, it’s a dream of mine and I feel like I finally am in a place where I’m ready to give to someone else and create a family. I also want to keep exploring and finding myself as a woman, I don’t think that journey is ever completed. I have a lot of pain to unpack and a lot of learning to do, I’m hoping to give myself the grace and compassion that I didn’t give myself in my 20s. I also hope to continue in academia, I’ll be applying for the Gender Studies PhD program at UCLA for Fall of 2024 and one day go into teaching the next generation of lawyers.
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