A Cry For Help
There’s always been a disconnect for me when it came to love. Ever since I can remember I've had a hard time believing that people around me, including my family, truly loved me. Most times I just felt like I was just in the way and a burden. I just wasn’t able to really feel love so of course I didn't love myself. I'm not saying this so you feel bad for me, I just want you to understand me a bit more. I didn't love myself so I went searching for it in all the wrong ways and in all the wrong people.
I was pretty much sheltered my whole life, practically lived at church and didn’t know shit about shit so when I got to college of course I was trying to live life. I had only been away at school for two months when I had gotten raped. It was my 2nd time having sex and let me tell you, it wasn’t as glamorized as these shows paint it out to be.
For me, the aftermath was the most traumatic part. I had decided too go to the health center the next day because I was bleeding immensely. The doctor asked me multiple times if I had been raped and I just kept replying “No.” … I had lied. If I'm being honest, that was one of the worst decision I had made. You’re probably wondering why I was denying the fact that I had ben raped. The truth is, I didn’t think anyone would believe me. I was the “new girl” at the university and didn’t wanna be THAT GIRL…I didn't want any pity, I didn't want to get him in trouble and to be honest it didn’t happen if I didn't mention it to anyone. So I didn’t say anything, I kept it to myself. I buried my trauma and just let everyone around me think I was just going through personal issues for a month and a half.
I am an athlete. After this event had occurred, track was an afterthought. I made excuses as to why I could not show up to track or class and people believed it.
I really wanted a friend or just anybody to see past my story and excuses. I'm not blaming anyone for not seeing through my lies because there was a lot more going on during that time and my friends were already helping enough by getting me food, taking me to the doctors etc. but the lie I was telling was my cry for help. I was hoping someone would see something was wrong, no one did. I pushed the trauma down so far I didn't fully acknowledge how much it broke me and it really changed me after that, but not in the way you think.
Hyper sexuality after assault is not talked about enough, it wasn’t until years later that I realized i had become hyper sexual because of my experience. I'm sure a lot of people remember that phase where I was throwing myself at guys, super emotional, always half naked, chest always out and doing things specifically to get validation from the guys around me. I was just lost and hurting, but mainly I was hiding. I didn't want people to actually see me in pain so I put up walls and acted like nothing happened and people just went with it.
Right around the time I started feeling better and was able to walk to class and practice, I started talking to my rapist again. I know what you want to say, but just hear me out. I've been dealing with trauma and effects of assault since I was young. I hadn’t told anyone about the events that occurred when I was younger. I still engaged with the same individuals who caused me trauma as a child, I would go over to their houses for playdates or for hair appointments and act like everything was okay. I treated my rape like I had treated my assaults from when I was younger. So naturally, my instinct was to keep hooking up with him because my whole life I’ve only known trauma. Back then I liked my rapist more than I liked myself. I didn’t even know who I was and maybe that’s also why I never told anyone. I was just so lost.
I didn’t realize how much my rape was affecting my day to day life because I thought if I pushed it down enough I would never have to tell anyone or talk about it. I found myself trapped in some really toxic cycles and attracting the worst kinds of people. That’s when I started looking at myself trying to figure out why I continued to attract people who only wanted to hurt me and why I kept holding onto them. It seemed almost as if I liked the pain. Misery loves company they say… but my life was so unstable I had to do something.
When I started self reflecting I really started to see things for what they were and it was really rough because there’s a lot to unpack and a lot I didn't want to unpack. My junior year of college is when I started to open up about my rape. Even then it wasn’t really opening up, it was more so informing some of my friends of what really happened whenever that guy got brought up. Some people were shocked because I let people still be cool with him and I just let him live his life and have a great basketball season. I let him talk down on me months after we’d cooled it, I’d let people talk shit about me when I was in my hyper sexual phase and never cleared my name or cleared any rumors up. I didn't have any self respect and I felt for a long time that it was my fault for not listening when people were telling me to stay away from the basketball team so it was my battle to fight alone, no one else’s.
For me, the hardest part about healing is feeling like I can do it on my own because I don't want to burden others with my problems. I know that’s not true now, but I didn't know then. and I know there are resources like doctors and counseling but that doesn’t always work for everyone. for me it didn’t, you should have seen the doctors face when she was looking at the massive tear in my vagina asking if I’d been raped. and you should have seen the pity on the counselor’s face months later when I was in the chair balling my eyes out because of how angry I was about everything. It was overwhelming. It's always been so hard for me to ask for help when it comes to the big stuff because I've really felt alone most of my life. My reaction to any inconvenience was always to shut down and get myself through it. I had to unlearn these survival tactics I picked up as a child so I could open myself up to true love which comes from within. Even though counseling didn’t work well for me, I found things that did, like journaling and doing my hair. It just keeps me grounded and feels therapeutic because it’s under my control, if that makes sense. I was able to find coping mechanisms for myself and start my healing process, but take it from me this isn’t something you should do on your own. It’s okay to ask for help, you can’t do everything on your own.
I've come a long way and although this happened years ago I still think about how everything would have been different if I had just been honest. I know I can't change it, but that thought is always running through my mind. I stunted my personal growth by brushing off a really traumatic event in my life and sometimes I get really down because I feel like I'm so far behind everyone else. I have to remind myself so often of how much I've overcome and that I'm right where I need to be. It took me a really long time to start respecting myself and really start loving myself and wanting more for myself but I'm more than grateful to finally be in a place where I'm satisfied with myself. Of course I still have pretty bad days, I mean who doesn’t, but overall I'm happier than I've ever been because I feel like I'm finding myself.
